Expectation VS. Intention
Danger ! Expectations ahead.
Have you ever said something along these lines? I have.
"I should not go for lunch. I should clean my house." or
"I am not very good at math, I should be good at it." or
"Everything that I create should be amazing. "
I used to use the word should all the time with myself. It seems like a reasonable thing to say, right? It is a word I would say every day without thinking of the meaning of the word. However, should is a terrible word. When I read the definition, I realized the truth was right in front of me the whole time . . .
should
/SHo͝od,SHəd/
verb
-
1.
used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone's actions.
"She should have been careful"
Um… Wait … What?
Obligation. Duty. Correctness.
Criticizing someone's actions.
What a load of horse sh!t.
I thought the word should was a motivator. Actually, should is an insidious little sneak, who as it turns out, is a tool of shame, guilt, frustration, anger and expectation. Should shames others into doing things they may not want to so. Should is a tool of criticism. It wants me to criticize myself and others. Should is a bully!
Once I recognized should for what it is, I began to attempt to remove it from my self-talk. I also began to notice when I used it with others. Most notably, my children. "How horrible." I thought "I should try harder not to should them." Agh! and there is should again. It is so hard to drop the habit.
I began to read more books and articles about Should. I wanted to find out more, so I could find a way to break this habit. Turns out Should is one of the cognitive distortions that reinforce negative thinking. There are a lot of them.
I am not a therapist or a doctor, so you should…(Dang it!)…ahem…you COULD check out the following …
The website of David D. Burns, MD
https://feelinggood.com
He has a wonderful series of books. I love the Feeling Good Handbook. It has really great information about cognitive distortions and changing them.
Or you could…
read what Dr. M. Grohl says about this type of negative self-talk.
Should statements (“I should pick up after myself more…”) appear as a list of ironclad rules about how every person should behave. People who break the rules make a person following these should statements angry. They also feel guilty when they violate their own rules. A person may often believe they are trying to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if they have to be punished before they can do anything.
“I really should exercise. I shouldn’t be so lazy.” Musts and oughts are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When a person directs should statements toward others, they often feel anger, frustration and resentment. Read More Here: - John M. Grohol, Psy.D. Psych Central: 24 Jun 2019
Learning the dangers of should is helpful for me. It helps me be aware of the expectations I have of myself. It creates is a knowledge base that I can refer to when I am feeling stressed or anxious. I can ask myself "What is the should here?" "Is it realistic, and is it fair?"
I still battle with should, but I am trying to change the word should and replace it with "could" or "would" which are motivating and encourage a take-charge attitude. Could or would are positive. These words have flow and acceptance
Instead of expectation, They set a purpose. When I enter into anything with intention, I am saying to myself "This could work". It opens up a sense of curiousity and an openness to possibility.
That sense of curiousity helps me to identify my emotions and be more transparent in my understanding of my feelings. This helps me communicate better with myself and to my family and friends. It is certainly vital for the happiness I feel when I create.
Intention allows the embrace of creative play which I believe is vital to our mental and physical health.
The creative play thought process does not always refer to the art-making process but the ability to think outside of the box. This could mean discoveries in mathematics or science as well.
Curiousity means an intention to explore chance and possibility. The more I embrace the possibilities, the more discoveries I make.
Play, openness and curious intention is the meaning behind the Red Fox term creative joy. The ability to move colour around for the pleasure of it, let go of expectation and enjoy the journey. Going into the creative process with intention means something entirely different than expectation.
Intention matters
Would it feel better to go into all of your creating with a sense of curiosity for what will emerge?
If you create with intention, you are aiming for or planning for a goal, but you are allowing for the possibilities that things may shift into something different. This is a go with the flow process. It is healthy, and it feels absolutely incredible.
If the aim of the creative process is one of exploration and curiosity, beautiful things happen. Rather than 'should' ing yourself with expectation, embrace the happy accidents that occur along the way. The journey to discovery and the joy inherent in creativity is open to everyone when they create with intention.
DEFINITIONS
ex·pec·ta·tion
/ˌekspekˈtāSH(ə)n/
noun
plural noun: expectations
-
a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.
"reality had not lived up to expectations"
-
a belief that someone will or SHOULD achieve something.
-
"students had high expectations for their future"
-
synonyms: supposition, assumption, presumption, conjecture, surmise, calculation, prediction, hope "her expectations were unrealistic"
in·ten·tion
/inˈten(t)SH(ə)n/
noun
-
a thing intended; an aim or plan.
"she was full of good intentions"
-
MEDICINE
the healing process of a wound.
